I consider myself a pretty social person. I generally don't find myself intimidated by public speaking, meeting new people, or initiating conversation.

But every once in a while, I find myself in a situation where all my social instincts seem to pack up and leave for vacation without giving me any notice. I am reduced to a nodding, smiling awkward turtle with no trace of courage, opinion, or social grace. I convince myself and others that I am perfectly content no matter what level of hell I feel like I'm burning in.

Co-worker #1: Hey Rose, how's it going? Is [name of boss] keeping you busy?
Me: Oh yeahhhhhh! I'm swamped with work! It's so much but I'm really enjoying it so far! Thanks for asking! *cheesy smile*

Co-worker #2: I don't know why anyone would ever want to graduate early from college. Life's too short, you know? You just can't measure a good education in dollars! I think parents who pull their children out early are just being selfish.
Me: Uhh huh! I know exactly what you mean! People are so despicable.

Dental assistant: Oh, I'm so sorry, I just made a gash in your gums!
Me: It's no problem! I can't even feel it. Besides, I like the taste of blood!

Me: I'd like to purchase some of that facial cleanser.
Sales associate: Oh, sure, but you HAVE to follow it up with this moisturizer! Here, give me your hand!
[I oblige. She rubs the product all over my hands, leaving me feeling greasy and smelling like a coconut. I look at the price. It's $24 for a month's supply.]
SA: Don't you love it?
Me: [I hate it. But she works on commission.] Yeah!! I'll take two!

Serial killer: I just murdered your family.
Me: Oh! Well that's quite an accomplishment, isn't it?

...yep. Not only do I blatantly lie to appease others, I do it in an extremely unconvincing and awkward way. I can't even walk into certain stores anymore for fear of seeing sales associates and buying everything.

When I go home today I am going to stand in front of the mirror and practice saying "no" in the politest way possible over and over again.