Sunday, July 31, 2011

...

Allow me to share with you the weirdest and most revolting taxi experience I've ever had.

8:30 PM Central Time, Dallas Fort-Worth airport, Terminal E. I should've known I was stepping into a janky-ass cab when the trunk wouldn't close despite repeated forceful downward pushes. After about a minute of ill-executed karate chop-esque attempts at closing the trunk of his car, the cab driver retrieved a hammer out of his glove compartment, scurried to the back, pounded away at something, closed the trunk, and made a joke about it to me as he got back into the driver's seat and casually tossed the hammer into the passenger's seat.

An alarm bell may or may not have gone off at that point - "are cab drivers supposed to saunter around with hammers out in the open like that?" - but I figured I could outrun the guy if he decided he wanted to kill me with a blunt object, so I did my thing and kept my eye out for any weird signs during the car ride. There weren't any until I'd arrived at the Residence Inn and fished my wallet out of my backpack. The total came to $57-something. I told him to add $11 as I handed him my credit card.

A minute of fumbling around in the dark yielded the carbon copy paper on which to imprint my credit card information. Another two passed before he was able to find a new bag of ball point pens. With the assistance of his teeth, he was able to awkwardly rip it open and procure a writing utensil.

It took ten seconds after that for him to realize he'd lost my credit card.

I realized something was wrong as soon as I heard the nervous giggle. "...ahem...heh heh...ma'am...?" That's when I peered into the front seat and saw it. Saw it all, I should say; a discombobulation of napkins, broken glasses, water bottles, bandanas, wrappers, tissues, receipts, magazines, bottle caps, gloves, rubber bands, notepads, pen caps, books, and God knows what else. It was all junk, and it was piled in little heaps, an organized chaos that had Big-Banged itself in the front of this guy's taxi. And somewhere, in all of it, my gray little Chase United credit card had slipped out of view.

The taxi driver was taking his time. He searched all his pockets - pulling out wads of twenties, gum wrappers, coins, and more random slips of paper that tumbled to the ground - and then started picking things out of the car one by one and examining them like it was the first time he'd seen them, muttering madly to himself and occasionally giving me that nervous giggle. I wasn't sure whether or not I should interfere, so I remained quiet and let him search, but boy was it was pitiful to watch and then it grew painful as he started looking in places where the card was obviously not located, like in the car's glove compartment (???). Frustrated, I started making suggestions of places to look. When he seemed totally lost, I turned on my phone's flashlight feature and started pawing through the mess and looking too, which he didn't seem to mind. It felt weird and not at all sanitary to pick through this stranger's things, but I was intent on getting my credit card back. Eventually, I found the card wedged deep in the crack between the driver's seat and the middle island where the gear shifter knob was located. The driver offered offered one apology... and then had the gall to add the $11 tip despite having had his customer look for her credit card in his pigsty of a taxi for twenty minutes.

The experience was disgusting, pathetic, and left me totally grossed out. I'm no neat freak but I don't understand how people can live in that kind of filth either, especially when their job is to provide others the sort of service where basic sanitation and cleanliness are baseline expectations. I snapped a picture of the driver's seat that doesn't do the mess justice but you can start to see the chaos creeping in:


I guess the silver lining to this episode is that I'll know never to disrespect myself or my things to that level. I can be a total airhead sometimes about misplacing my things, but the day I let myself become that slovenly - especially when on the job - is the day when I renounce society, tattoo the lyrics to "Tik Tok" onto my face, and rampage off into the sun setting in the east.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I do not want kids.

But if I end up with some of the nasty little buggers, one thing I know for sure is that they will read Harry Potter.

I'm not going to force them to play the violin or get a 2400 on the SAT or play a sport or any of that crap. No. I'm just going to just turn my brethren into Dumbledore's Army part two. I want them to relive the same experience I had reading the books - imagining the scenes in their heads, gasping at plot twists, picking out their favorite characters (Sirius Black), falling in love with Sirius Black, bawling when he dies, re-reading chapters to look for clues, changing their mind about what side Snape's on, debating the characters' religious symbolism, etc cetera. I want them to live, breathe, and bleed Harry Potter. I want them to know all of Dumbledore's middle names. I want them to recite their Horcruxes and hiding places/methods of retrieval better than they can recite the the star-spangled banner. I want them to run around my backyard on broomsticks throwing basketballs-painted-as-quaffles onto each other's faces. I do not know how to knit but I will take it up just to knit them ugly little maroon-and-gold sweaters with their names (Dudley Dobby, Hagrid Harry, Petunia GiantSquid) on them every Christmas.

This is probably why nobody should ever let me have kids.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

photos from my phone

Museum of Science and Industry in Hyde Park, Chicago. Having never been to Europe, I like to pretend I'm exploring ancient Roman ruins whenever I walk by these statues. This is probably a sign that I need more friends. 

I see this sign when walking into my hotel every day and each time it makes me want to burst out in song and become this gay black man.

In other news, I am STILL obsessed with Rihanna. It's not even Only Girl in the World anymore (though I still listen to that at least 5x a week) - the obsession has spread to Man Down, Cheers (Drink to That), and What's My Name. I especially love the music video for the latter. I just want Rihanna and Drake to get married and adopt me into their fabulous grungy-chic city apartment and feed me Chinese takeout all day. Really, is that too much to ask?


Ok. That is all. Time for  a little Game of Thrones and then nighty night time.

Monday, July 04, 2011

deboardin' the airplane-o

It's true. Everything is bigger here. Cars, cows, cleavage. You name it, it's XXL.

Everything is also shiny and new down here. I'm used to walking around Chicago and seeing a smidgeon of grunge here and there (admittedly less so after my move from Hyde Park to Lakeview). But here in Plano, there are no homeless to awkwardly avoid eye contact with. There aren't abandoned houses or neglected alleys that serve as an eyesore in between beautiful homes. I don't even think there are dumpsters here.

Things here are built with purpose and resolve. The big-ass streets are what still get me - while Texas certainly has its fair share of weather problems, the roads make it obvious that snow is not one of them. I'm not used to seeing such perfect, uncracked, unpotholed pavement. It's unnerving, like seeing a face that's too symmetrical or beautiful. There are no flaws here, no points of interest to focus on, and as a result, not much to say about the locale.

I don't think I could ever live in a place like this, where life is uninspiring but easy and comfortable if you're privileged enough to have the money to live here. But I admit it makes for a nice getaway during the week. By the time I find myself longing for Chicago I usually only have to wait a day or two. Then an insane weekend inevitably sweeps me in with the current of the city and I find myself wanting nothing more than to be curled up with a book a thousand miles away, which is exactly the kind of refuge Plano offers. Then the cycle starts over: board plane deboard plane Chicago Chicago board plane deboard plane Texas Texas Texas Texas Texas. If my life were a Daft Punk song those would be the lyrics and it'd be an awesome song.