TSA

Lately, there has been a lot of hullabaloo about the TSA's screening procedures. Many people, myself included, feel that the "choice" between being stepping into a backscatter scanning machine (which renders high-resolution images of people's naked bodies) or being subject to a full body pat-down (self explanatory) is like picking between an electronic or manual invasion of privacy - whenever an officer presents my options, all I hear is "how would you like us to glean inappropriate knowledge of your body today, miss?".

In particular, one man's "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested" experience (link hurr) and recorded conversation with TSA officers has blown up all over YouTube and was even featured on the front page of CNN yesterday. It's an interesting story to read/view if you have a few minutes and I'm glad it's gaining national interest because for people like me who fly a ginormous amount, stickin' it to the man Rosa Parks style is not really a viable option if I want to keep my job.

I did have one pretty hairy encounter with the TSA a few months back. I'd arrived at the airport at 5:30 AM for my 7:15 flight to O'Hare, like I do every week, and had spent a grueling hour waiting at the customs line. I got to security and kid you not, stood in a non-moving line for 30 minutes as I watched a half-dozen TSA officers try to pat down a toddler who was throwing a fit and refusing to stop screaming. By the time boarding for my flight had almost ended, I'd finished with my pat-down and was going to make a break for my terminal when an officer approached me and asked to see my boarding documents. I asked her what was going on.

"I'm afraid your luggage has revealed a potentially dangerous level of toxic material."

I looked at my suitcase. It's bright and yellow and plaid and completely silly. It's contents? A pair of boots, some leggings, and some socks.

"What...toxic material?"

"I can't say for security purposes. But we'll need to rescan your things and you'll need to undergo another pat-down."

At this point I literally had five minutes before boarding closed. I was irritated and hungover, and while I'm not proud of what I said next, I still think that logically it made a lot of sense:

"Look. I've been standing here in front of at least 10 security officers while I got my first pat-down. Do you really think I grew a gun on a third arm in these past 30 seconds?"

Silence, as bewildered heads turned.

The TSA officer took a deep breath. "Ma'am, if you say that word again I will have to call the police."

"What word, GUN?"

Because a real terrorist would really fucking be yelling GUNGUNGUNGUN!!!!!! to a TSA officer at airport security!

She didn't call the police on me. (According to Steven Levitt, Asian females are the least likely demographic group to commit crimes, ha!) She made me turn around and gave me the quickest pat-down I'd ever received, then I grabbed my stuff and bolted for my flight. I wound up sitting next to some important executive from the American Bar Association to whom I relayed my story. We spent the majority of that plane ride discussing the legality of the TSA's security procedures. We agreed that I'd been pretty rude and that lady was just doing her job, but that on the whole, the TSA's efforts were unsustainable and bound to eventually stir up some sort of national outcry.

Well, it seems to be happening now, and I'm glad for it. Hopefully we'll see some improvements soon.