I do not want kids.

But if I end up with some of the nasty little buggers, one thing I know for sure is that they will read Harry Potter.

I'm not going to force them to play the violin or get a 2400 on the SAT or play a sport or any of that crap. No. I'm just going to just turn my brethren into Dumbledore's Army part two. I want them to relive the same experience I had reading the books - imagining the scenes in their heads, gasping at plot twists, picking out their favorite characters (Sirius Black), falling in love with Sirius Black, bawling when he dies, re-reading chapters to look for clues, changing their mind about what side Snape's on, debating the characters' religious symbolism, etc cetera. I want them to live, breathe, and bleed Harry Potter. I want them to know all of Dumbledore's middle names. I want them to recite their Horcruxes and hiding places/methods of retrieval better than they can recite the the star-spangled banner. I want them to run around my backyard on broomsticks throwing basketballs-painted-as-quaffles onto each other's faces. I do not know how to knit but I will take it up just to knit them ugly little maroon-and-gold sweaters with their names (Dudley Dobby, Hagrid Harry, Petunia GiantSquid) on them every Christmas.

This is probably why nobody should ever let me have kids.