Thursday, September 22, 2011

Today I hit an all time low...

The most ridiculous and pathetic thing ever happened to me today.

For a few weeks now, my eyes have been acting up a little. I'm convinced it's from the combination of constant airplanage, air conditioning, and bleach from the hotel pillows and towels. One eye or the other will start getting extremely red and irritated in a matter of minutes. I know - hot. I got it checked out by an eye doctor and he told me it was due to lacerations from dry eye and prescribed me some antibiotics to make it go away. Nonetheless, my co-workers have started referring to it as "poop-eye" and refer to me as such endearing terms as "poop-eye the sailor BA" and "poop-eyehauntas fangully". 

Today, my right eye came down with a case of "poop-eye". It didn't look so great so instead of scarring the entire gym I usually go to, I thought I'd just use the treadmill at the Residence Inn's small fitness area. I went downstairs, took off my glasses, plugged in my earphones, and turned on my treadmill, ready to take on the world. It was a great workout. I did my best 5k time ever, sweated a gallon, and felt a ton better afterwards. As I was ready to leave, I suddenly realized that I couldn't find my glasses. I'd taken them off to run (because my sweaty nose makes them slip. I AM THE SEXIEST) and they were nowhere in sight - not in the cupholders, not in the ledge for MP3s, not on the ground, or so it seemed.

The catch is that "nowhere in sight" for me doesn't really mean anything because nothing is really ever in sight for me - I have horrible, HORRIBLE eyesight. As in -7.5 in my left eye and -7.0 in my right. So I was essentially standing in the Residence Inn fitness room, blind as a bat and unsure if my glasses really were missing or if I just couldn't see them. So I did what I had to do. I got down on all fours, Velma style, and patted around, looking for my glasses.

Let me assure you that I felt like a fucking idiot. There I was, crawling around like an infant, all sweaty and splotchy and panting after my workout. Oh, and also did I mention there was somebody in the ROOM with me this entire time? A nice-looking elderly Asian dude had come in about 5 minutes before I finished my run and bore witness to the whole thing.

But wait, it continues. I gave up searching after about 3 minutes of awkwardly shuffling around patting the carpet (which, goddamnit, was dark green). My plan was to run up to my hotel room, put on my contacts for a few painful minutes, come back down and find those goshdarned glasses. My plan was also to be unseen. Nobody else needed to know how pathetic I was.

So of course when I went outside the fitness area the first thing I did was almost collide with my co-worker.

Co-worker: Oh hey Rose! Good workout?
Me: Uhh, yeah, uhh -
Co-worker: What's wrong?
Me: (5 seconds of silence) I can't find my glasses.

Co-worker then helped me look for them, all the while probably secretly laughing/disgusted by how blind and helpless I am. He looked to no avail and half-convinced me I never even wore them in the first place so we parted ways and I ran up to my hotel room and put on my contacts and came back down.

Another few minutes of searching - and conversing with the Asian dude, who did turn out to be really nice and even searched his own treadmill for them - and I found my glasses all the way across the room, underneath a side stand that held towels. I guess they'd fallen onto my treadmill and had been shot back directly behind it. Thank goodness I didn't step on them.

Anyway. Yeah. That was a humbling and embarrassing situation. If I ever feel like I'm some hot shit ever again I'm just going to use that mental image of myself playing patty cake with the floor of the Residence Inn gym. 

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