Long Hair

I do not know why I thought it would be a good idea to order an espresso with my dessert this evening. Maybe because usually caffeine has no effect whatsoever on my sleeping schedule. Maybe because I was already pretty tired after a long day and needed a pick-me-up. Maybe because its strong bitterness perfectly offset my smooth, sugary creme brulee. I simply do not know. But I cannot for the life of me seem to fall asleep, and so as a result I am going to blog about long hair!

I have had long hair for a long time. And in that span of long time I have heard a bunch of "true facts" which are allegedly "backed" by "scientific research" about long hair, like how men are supposed to be more attracted to it or washing it every day depletes it of natural oils or how I must diligently and ardently protect it before applying heat or it will all fall off and I will be bald for the rest of my existence on earth. To all that I say: scientific research shmientific shresearch! I have not put heat protectant in my hair many a time and I still have a healthy crop o locks atop my head, whose properties I have found to be extremely useful in the following ways:

Brain Heater

When it's cold outside, long hair always creeps up to no.1 on my list of best friends! I wrap it around my face, neck, and ears and I find myself shrouded in a warm and nice-smelling shroud of keratin!

Extensions of this use: If my inner earlobes are feeling chilly then I just stick some hair in there and I'm all set. Tendrils of hair can also be shoved into nostrils to stop those annoying nosebleeds.

Instructor Separator

The above picture sums up my journey at the University of Chicago pret-ty well. I took many a nap knowing that my shameful slumbering face was securely shielded from my pesky professor's prying peepers. University of Chicago: Where Fun Goes to Die? Nah, more like University of Chicago: Where Fun Goes to Take a Nap Behind its Glorious Mane During Elements of Economic Analysis-2.

Extensions of this use: hiding from other annoyances in life, like dentists, bears, homework, Nickelback songs, etc.

Weapon/Harbinger of Justice

How do I, despite all my paranoid Asian mom's prophecies of doom and death, continue to survive in an urban environment full of bad guys who would like nothing better than to take my lunch money and buy THEMSELVES lunch? I guarantee you it is neither through wit nor physical superiority. Instead, my secret lies in the ancient weapon known as whiplash. One fast well-aimed turn of the head will send the meanest chump crying home, tail tucked between his legs and a nice imprint of my latest haircut on his face.

Extensions of this use: closing doors, making your dogsled team "mush!", punishing your siblings

H2o Storage

Nalgenes and Camelbaks bow down their inferior forms before long hair, the ultimate way to store, transport, and dispense water. As long as you don't mind a bit of sweat or shampoo or hairspray or dandruff in your beverage, hairwater is a guaranteed way to quench your thirst. Just wrap your fingers tight around your locks, wring hard, and listen to the sweet trickle of follicle nectar collecting in your vessel of choice. Pit-pat, pit-pat.

Extensions of this use: watering your plants, diluting your whiskey, baptizing small children.

If this entry does not make you want to immediately vow to never cut your hair ever again then I do not know what would. Have a nice day.