Saturday, May 21, 2011

Plano

I am terrified of Texas. My one and only experience there was when I had to spend a night at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. I remember thinking only two things, but I remember them very clearly:

One was "I didn't know people actually carried dogs around in their purses"

The other was "These women probably think I am a pre-pubescent panda named Ling Ling"

Plano prominently features everything everything I try to avoid in life - huge portions, prolonged exposure to the sun, slabs of red meat, Dr. Pepper, country music, Frito Lay, guns. 

My flight is Sunday at 5 PM. I feel totally and woefully unprepared. A Calgarian winter followed by a Texan summer - very funny, ThoughtWorks!

Jesus, take the wheel.

Monday, May 09, 2011

I'm in love with Juda-as, Juda-as.

Me: Hey, I'm going to sleep early. If any of our roommates come back and are really loud, can you please tell them I'm sleeping?


Roommate: I will punch them all in the face and tell them to shut the fuck up.

-- 

As of late I have developed yet another unhealthy addiction to a pop song. This time it's Lady GaGa's "Judas". It is indescribably catchy and plagues me day in and day out. Her video is typical GaGa - alien outfits, inexplicable settings, mysterious men, controversial symbolism, too much eyeliner, dancing in scant underwear. At one point she's Mary Magdalene washing a sexy sort-of-black Jesus' feet in a bathtub while Judas pours a beer on her butt.




The shit-wits that peruse and post YouTube comments are all up in arms about GaGa's use of religious symbolism. It appears that a diminutive-brained subset of GaGa's Christian fans have either decided to revoke their liking for her or are in a state of heavy mental confusion, a la "OH MY GOD I LOVE JESUS BUT HER VIDEO USES CHRISTIAN METAPHORS INAPPROPRIATELY WHAT DO I DO NOW????" Fierce, misspelled battles are happening in the comments section as I type. 

You think I am exaggerating. I am not. Here are some comments that I am copying verbatim for your eye-gouging pleasure.

"ur makin fun of the bible not cool gaga !!!"
- Corinnestoddard13

"is this supposed to be a gay pride recreation of like fucking bible stories or some shit" 
- Moodyjake17

"i dont see the big deal. i like the song the vide is alittle nutty but shes not goga for nothing jeez chill bunch of religus freeks it not god ya'll love its ya'll freeking religen. even jesus was agenst it. jeez. sicoz its days like this i regret being a chistion."
- MegaJoemen

"you people realize the illuminati control her, right?"
- Itachi9000ful

"i shud slap her with my bible!!"
- shelz146

"your opinion is faker than a pornstars boobs."
- JD917782908

"Dear, people who are christian just go back and read the bible and listen to the lyric again and be humble do not judge her. Luke 5:31 Jesus said "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance." She acknowledges that. Ew!! This song explain how I feel. I love Jesus but I'm still a sinner. Ew!!"
- TalentBabe

I must stop here. If I continue to wade through this sea of idiocy I am going to vomit out my dinner. Good night.

Friday, April 22, 2011

EXtinguishing the Fire(fox) (lolwut at "Distinguishing...")

My dearest Firefox,

We both knew this day would come. I've played the scene countless times in my head, imagining how my words will come across: how you'll be surprised, then angry, and then fall silent, save for the occasional sniff. How your little beady black eyes will quiver and glisten with dew. How every fiber of my being will ache with reluctance to tell you this, every keystroke a dagger into my heart.

But I must remain strong, and to be frank, I've already done the deed. This morning I quietly scrolled over your familiar orange curled form, cupped you in my e-palms, and gently moved you from your comfortable nest in my dock to the trash can all the way on the right, where you landed with a thud that resonated in the depths of my soul. 

Believe me, Firefox, it killed me to do it. I was so upset I even ate an Oreo to make myself feel better. Then I ate three more because they tasted really good. Then I felt a little sick and went for a walk. 

But I digress! Why did I do do it? Why, after so many years of mutual love and respect, did I cast you aside?

I found someone else, Firefox. I found someone else.

It happened at work, about three months ago. You couldn't support an application I wanted to run, and well, I had to find somebody that would help me. So while you were busy updating, I went to Google - yes, that Google, a longtime friend of ours - and he suggested Chrome. I gave it a shot. Thirty seconds later, Chrome had downloaded and was already up and running. I was impressed by Chrome's simplicity and speed - and I loved that I could Google in the address bar itself - but I got in, ran the application, got out, and returned to your familiar embrace.

But that night, Firefox, I couldn't sleep. I laid awake with my eyes open, fingers clutching the sheets, heart heavy with the realization that everything in Chrome had been harder, better, faster, and stronger. The small things, really - how downloads fall nicely to the bottom of my page instead of disappearing into a separate window. How my top eight appear every time I open the browser. Even how the bookmarks are compressed and can fit so much better! For the first time in my life, I'd stumbled across a browser that gets me for who I really am and for what I need in my online experience. And even you have to admit it, Firefox. You're cute as a button, but Chrome is clean and sexy - I can't even begin to describe how good it is or what it can do for me.

I'm sorry, Firefox. I'm really going to miss you. I'll always support your open-source distribution. I'll still cheer for your new releases and updates. I'll even stay in touch with your parents, Mr. and Ms. Mozilla. But I'm afraid this is the end of us. I regret it had to be this way. Please don't pull out tufts of your fur like you did that time I accidentally opened up Internet Explorer. It's not worth the drama and it grows back funny.

Goodbye,
Rose