Hipsters

I spent a chunk of this weekend hanging out in Wicker Park, gawking at all the crazy types of people walking around that neighborhood. I've decided there are distinct factions that exist among hipsters here in Chicago. All of them kind share certain hipster-umbrella qualities (single-gear bicycle ownership, Pabst Blue Ribbon, a penchant for the unusual), but they are also different in distinct ways. The following are my interpretations (none of which should be taken seriously):

Hipster Type #1

The Woodland Hipster

The Woodland Hipster is all about nature and energy and love and peace. Perhaps the least pretentious of the bunch, he loves spending time under the stars, preferably with an acoustic guitar and in front of a crackling bonfire. Woodland hipsters don't think they're better than anyone else, per se, but they do sometimes engage in activities that may be offputting to the rest of society, such as breaking out in song at random times, eating with their hands, and not understanding the concept of shaving.

Likes: flannel, candlelight, vegan/vegetarianism, Fleet Foxes, human rights, Greenpeace, asparagus
Dislikes: razors, meat-eaters, Facebook, politicians
Closest stereotype: hippie

Hipster Type #2

The Beautiful/Trendy Hipster

The Beautiful hipster has been cooler than you since elementary school and will always be cooler than you. She is lean, mean, and maintains a scarily-low BMI in order to fit into her latest trendsetting outfit, which is usually a mix of vintage and designer clothing. The Beautiful hipster has little to no interest in anti-consumerism - in fact, she embraces and thrives on the thrill of expensive clothes and people who are equally beautiful. Out of all hipsters, she is the most likely to work out. Or de-tag herself in Facebook pictures. Or snort enormous amounts of cocaine. In fact, truth be told, the beautiful hipster is not really any different from the rich & popular kids from high school, except her dad might've loved her less and she owns 8 pairs of Frye instead of Ugg boots.

Likes: Alexander McQueen, being photographed at loft parties, Lady GaGa, buying expensive clothes that aren't supposed to look expensive but everyone knows they are expensive, black eyeliner, black nail polish, Ray Bans with the labels still on them, the Strokes, iPhones, backcombing
Dislikes: ugly people, fat people, Forever 21
Closest stereotype: "Plastic"

Hipster Type #3

The Intellectual Hipster

Oh boy oh boy. This guy has more knowledge about obscure literature/film/music than you could ever hope to accrue in your lifetime. He has a liberal arts degree from a small, expensive private college and will do everything in his power to make you acknowledge that he is smart, whether it's defeating you in chess or reciting an an eggplant-tuna-salad recipe to you or tricking you into joining an Ayn Rand discussion in which he will inevitably counter your every point, out-reference your every quote, and leave you mentally destroyed and prostrate before him with his stupid tie and stupid-er smile of satisfaction.

Likes: David Eggers, sweaters, Intelligentsia coffee, Tumblr, Datarock, The Economist, cats, Pitchfork Media, horn-rimmed glasses, chess, Woody Allen, maps, obscure historical periods, androgyny, Apple, Yann Tiersen
Dislikes: blond people, frivolous people, McDonald's, happiness, Yahoo! Answers, being called a hipster
Closest Stereotype: library nerd

Hipster Stereotype #4

The Batshit Insane Hipster

The Batshit Insane Hipster is determined - no, dedicated - to get your attention. To do so, he will wear outlandish outfits, perform outlandish activities, and generally confuse the fuck out of you. Out of all his hipster comrades, he always gets the drunkest and is usually slumped over in a seedy-looking girl's lap by the end of the night. He also enjoys removing his clothing at questionable levels of appropriateness. His real name is something boring like "William White" but he goes by something ridiculous, like Bazooka Bill or Dill Pickle Powaaaa!!!####@$

Likes: drugs, booze, women, Animal Collective, crowdsurfing, ridiculous eye makeup (if female), shag rugs, smoking all sorts of things, pornstasches, Fuck Buttons
Dislikes: sobriety, people who are hardasses about things, Yankees fans
Closest stereotype: stoners

Hipster Type #5

The Awkward Hipster

Hey! Um...yeah! So...I'm kind of awkward, but that's okay because I acknowledge it so it becomes really cute! Ha. Ha. Ha...I sort of maybe probably have some deep fears of real life but I express them by wearing lots of colors and accessories. The good thing is, I am loving and can be everyone's friend as long as you put up with my eclectic choices. What is my true hair color, you ask? The world may never know.

Likes: Michael Cera, indie pop, candy, DIY, Threadless, tie-dye, weird sandwich combinations, rainbows
Dislikes: mean people
Closest stereotype: punk/emo boppers

There you have it! Hope this doesn't offend anyone. To be honest, I like most of the things hipsters like too...but I also like other people, so ha.